Let’s Talk About The Baby Blues: My Postpartum Experience
I’m writing this post to share the darker side of my experience with a newborn with the intention of bringing light to those lesser-known “baby blues” and more importantly to be honest with myself about my experience.
Disclaimer: I don’t believe what I experienced was postpartum depression. While it was intense and challenging, it left as quickly as it came without counseling or medication. I am most definitely NOT a PPD expert, this was just my experience. If you feel you are experiencing Postpartum Depression, please, PLEASE talk to your doctor.
After we left the hospital, Beau had a pretty serious case of Jaundice and needed Phototherapy which meant he had to lay on a fluorescent light as much as possible. I was so concerned with reducing his bilirubin levels that I hardly felt like I could pick him up which was heartbreaking for me.
Nights were the worst. Beau slept on top of the light in his lounger to keep him from wiggling off. The lounger didn’t fit inside of his bassinet meaning that he and I slept on the couch for the first whole week of his life waking to nurse every 2-3 hours.
I think it is important to recognize that it wasn’t all bad for me. Most mornings I woke up feeling slightly more refreshed. I would head upstairs to our master bedroom (the room with the most natural light) nurse Beau in bed, and he would fall back asleep giving me time to make a cup of coffee, turn on the Food Channel and snuggle back into bed with him.
Post-Phototherapy, Beau still had his nights and days mixed up making life pretty unpredictable for a while. I questioned every decision I made. Should I wake him up from his nap? Do I let him sleep? Would formula feeding make nights easier?
I missed my schedule, my sleep, my husband. I cried almost every day when the sun started to set dreading the uncertainty that the night would bring.
“I missed my schedule, my sleep, my husband.”
The pivotal moment for me happened when he was about three weeks old. We were leaving my sister-in-law’s house around 5 pm on a Friday evening (just in time for my daily anxiety-induced breakdown) when I looked in my rearview mirror and saw Beau sleeping silently in his car seat.
I realized that I was allowing myself to be afraid of my own baby. I was letting that fear steal the joy I should have been completely overwhelmed by in those early days.
Instead of relying on my own insufficient strength, I crumbled in prayer and the results exceeded all expectations. God shifted my perspective and instead of seeing this scary, wildcard robbing me of my routine I was finally able to see my baby as the tremendous blessing He had given me.
Beau’s schedule improved a little each day giving us more sleep and more meaningful waking time together.
Once I let go of that fear, I became more confident in my ability to take care of him even when he threw us a curveball.
Perspective is everything. I truly believe that negativity and self-doubt will creep in wherever it can if you let it.
In addition to becoming a mother, freedom from fear was one of the greatest blessings God gave me in this situation. I know the baby blues is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to parental challenges but relying on the Lord has me feel like I’m equipped for anything.
“…freedom from fear was one of the greatest blessings God gave me in this situation.”
If you are an expectant mother who is worried about getting the baby blues or a mom who has been through it, I SEE YOU. It’s not abnormal or shameful or wrong to feel this way and I wish more women would feel free and confident enough to bring topics like these to light.
Talking about my experience has been therapeutic and has also connected me with other moms who have gone through the same thing. Bottom line: don’t be afraid to talk about how you feel. I bet you’ll be surprised at the amount of support and grace extended to you in a time where you need it the most.